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You could be a Broadbent if:

 

--Strangers hand you Valium.

--It seems like a good idea to keep a gun in your boots. And a knife, just in case. And when you accidentally chop off your foot with that knife? You try to sew it back on yourself. And it works!

--You’re good with your hands. Brain, sometimes not, but hands: yes.

--Everyone else just moves so slowly.

--You have several very vivid polyester plaid shirts in your closet. You’ve had them for 9 years, so they are just about broken in. You’re sure they are extremely beautiful, and you are right.

--You’re sure you know exactly just what should be done in each and every single situation you ever encounter, even if you’ve never been in a similar situation.

--You know what the phrase ‘sui generis‘ means, and use it in casual conversation.

---You are full of good advice and helpful criticism.

---You believe other people want to hear that good advice and helpful criticism.

--All the emergency room personnel in your town know you on a first name basis.

---All the local cops also know you on a first name basis.

---You believe wholeheartedly in a variety of far-fetched nutritional advice and diligently inflict that advice on the children closest to hand, for their own good.

---Your stomach pretty much rules your life, in a variety of ways.

--The word ‘boring’ has never been applied to you.

--The word ‘normal’ has also never been applied to you.

--You’re willing to hold a scalping if someone disrespects your favorite book, or if they even look faintly dismissive when you hold that favorite book up. You actually know how to perform a scalping, from all the Discovery and Learning Channel programs. You’ve taped every single episode, and they’re alphabetized, on the shelf next to the complete ‘Star Trek’.

--You know what the word ‘solipsistic‘ means, and use it in casual conversation.

--You’ve caused a bar and/or street fight in some way or another, maybe just by being there with your opinions, which you are always happy to share at length.

--Grandpa scares you.

--You read the word ‘patience’ in a book once, but don’t fully grasp the meaning yet. You’re also still working on this ‘moderation’ concept.

--You sometimes dress ‘interestingly.’ For example, a pith helmet qualifies as ‘interesting’, as do orange plaid pants. (But plaid polyester shirts are perfect in all ways. You’ll scalp anyone who disagrees.)

--You have more books in your house than you could read in a million years. And no one had better touch them. No one.

--You can dance very well and have great natural rhythm. All Broadbents can dance. Maybe all the twitching is good practice?

--You have borrowed one or more of Grandpas tools and not returned it.

--You were 16 years old before you found out that there are actually people who don’t go to college, by their own choice. You cried when you heard this.

--‘Full of Plans’ could be your middle name, along with ‘Curious’.

--‘Covered in bandages’ could be your alternative middle name.

--Ritalin is your friend, or would be, if you gave it a chance...

--You adore homemade root beer as made by Uncle Dan. So yeasty, so delicious. If you don’t like it? You’re not a true Broadbent.

--You would secretly like to swallow half a hearing aid while keeping the other half in your ear to see what would happen. You would have done it, but your child or wife or neighbor prevented you.

--You like to know how things work. That’s why the lawn mower is dissembled. It has been disassembled for three years now, and parts of it are in the dresser drawer, and some bits are in the fridge, and some parts are being used in the experimental anti-gravity device you made, and that you can’t get off the kitchen ceiling.

--You’ve heard that ‘Silence is Golden’, but you don’t hold with it.

--You know what the word ‘carminative‘ means, and use it in casual conversation.

 --Everyone knows exactly and in great detail how you feel about them and their personality and their lifestyle choices, at every moment of any given day, all year long, because honesty is the best policy, except for when it comes to returning grandpas tools.

--Your nose is like the prow of a majestic sailing ship. You like it, because how can anyone breathe with those little noses they all have? Poor, poor little-nosed people.